Well if you read my myspace blog you ll realize I did a soundtrack to my life and well I aint doing that here but do wanna start off with a song lyric that’s been hitting me hard…
And I've been housing all this doubt And insecurity And I've been locked inside that house All the while, you hold the keyAnd I've been dying to get out And that might be the death of meAnd even though there's no way of knowingWhere to go, I promise I'm going becauseI gotta get outta here I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistakeI gotta get outta here And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you to be my escape
And that’s what this is bout...I finally broke free of this rut of doubt and insecurity a bit and been doing this new job and its been good…but still I don t feel totally safe. Like I am walking along the cliff’s edge and can topple over at any point. And I am scared. How can one not be one you know what happens when you give in to the demons that plague you since you were a teen.
See my rut is huge almost a moat at this point and getting out of it aint easy(kinda like pimpin boo boo). And the threat of falling in is always present. So what does one do. I know I am supposed to pray for guidance…but I don t know how to. I should seek mental health help…but I don t want more meds(barely take the ones I am on). I seek out friends a lil but a also hermit up when I feel said friends can only hurt me. I know I should just give it up and release it. But I hold on so tight to that kite string…
So in bringing this blog post to a conclusion PLS. help a brother figure out how to fight these demons in my head some days I am so worn out by it…
Sleep the sleep of angels my friend
For tomorrow is another day
All along the edges of a shattered dream
Lies the broken and condemned.
Kiss me one last time as I drift away
To a land that only I can bare to see
Hells flames and the bloody eyes
Of my own personal Satan…
Jason Prosser, ride attendant, manager, Tour guide Of broken Dreams
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Praying for you, my love.
We have a phrase, us seasoned Christians, that speaks of "leaving it at the Cross". I struggled with that for so long because everyone else made it seem so simple. One day I realized that if I could just picture all my worries and fears, give them form and substance, and then mentally lay them in a basket, I could begin the process of giving it to Jesus. In my head, I often picture His Cross up on a darkened hill, and as I approach with my burden, a heavenly light shines down. It's not bright, but gentle and beckoning. When I reach my destination, I kneel and set my basket at the foot of the Cross. Then I bow my head and just talk to Him, thanking Him for the privledge of being in His Presence, and asking Him to take this basket from my sight evermore.
So far, so good...most of the time. The temptation to snatch my basket up and dash down the hill of my mind's eye is great at times, and yes, there are moments when I don't manage to leave the Cross empty-handed.
Just remember that I'm here for you always, despite what we may go through, and that He is there for you too.
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